clears throat, adjusts halo of moral superiority

Greetings, comrades of the perpetually offended! Before we begin this sacred online communion—probably to discuss something trivial like coffee preferences—let me perform the mandatory genuflection to the gods of progressive purity.

My pronouns are ze/zir/zippity-doo-dah, because I transcend your archaic binary constructs and demand you memorize my bespoke identity or face eternal cancellation. I stand—or rather, grovel—on the unceded, super-duper sacred territory of the Whogivesacrap tribe, whose allegedly noble legacy I honor by reading this off a script. Drops to one knee for extra drama.

I’ve completed 47 hours of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion training this week alone, where I bravely confronted my toxic whiteness, maleness, and general existence as a walking microaggression. I’m so sorry for my privilege, which I’ll now flagellate myself for in a public self-criticism session. whispers I once laughed at an insensitive meme in 2017—forgive me, I’m scum.

In solidarity with every progressive cause, I’ve posted a black square on Instagram, changed my profile pic to a trans flag, and knelt so hard during the national anthem I sprained my ego.

Crap! I just cracked my pants